Secrets
by Devilzzz
Summary: Aha! Another one of my insane fanfics. Very funny. You'll hear everyone's secrets in Hogwarts..kinda confusin , but read/reveiw!


"pavarti pleez dont tell anyone" hermoine told her. pavarti refused. "fine..i'll tell your biggest secret in the world then" and pavarti looked up, shocked. "noo...u promised..u..." she sobbed. hermoine got up "im telling pavarti..." pavarti cried "no!" and hermoine said "im telling everyone your p-regnant" ******************************************** harry looked around the bathroom. nobody was there. "hello my love" he said to the mermaid, kissing the wall. nobody replied back. "good" said harry. nobody was around. he took out a orange marker and drew a scar. "you talking to me?" he said to the mirror, looking smug. "you talking to me....well you best be, cuz im a fine looking guy hehi" he said, admiring himself. "um harry?" asked fred. "ahhh what the-" said george, by his side. "oh ...he...oh..he...oh" said harry, and he pushed george and fred to the floor and ran off. ******************************************************* "pavarti no!!!!!!!!!!!!" said hermoine. "yes...if you gonna tell everyone im pregnant, i'll tell everyone you kiss your potions book every single night..oh and don't get me started on your affair with snape" hermoine screamed "no...ok fine..i wont tell..but we're even cuz i'll tell them about how you kissed a squirrel once cuz u said it looked like harry" pavarti gasped and went to her bed, whimpering. ***************************************************** ginny sneaked in the common room, and she saw crookshanks, sitting on the corner of hermoine's bed. she needed to get her. she picked up the cat and petted it, and walked out to the bathroom. she walked alone, but she knew someone was following her. the boy put her against the wall and breathed "dont tell anyone about us ginny" and ginny said "i wont.............hagrid...thanks for shaving off your hair for me" ******************************************************** in another large room, all the teachers were gathered around, drinking voldka. Proffesor Mcgonogall was drunk. but she didn't know that proffesor snape had put a little truth potion in it. snape pulled mcgonogall aside. "do you really love me my dear?" he asked. minerva said "hah! no you smell like bleach" and she left the hurt snape, and went to dumbledore, and everybody was watching. "and you ...whattya gonna use that old beard fo anyway?" she asked. dumbledore reddened and said "i use it for a mop" apparently, snape had given dumbledore some truth potion too. ************************************************** percy and penolpe were walking down the dark hall, penolpe was saying "percy..i need to tell you something" and percy led her to the prefect's bathroom, and covered his eyes with a scream. "dobby! winky! stop having your baths here!" he said. winky giggled and said "sorry masta..." and he and dobby s-curried away. they locked the bathroom and percy asked "whattya want to tell me?" and penolpe teared up and said "the reason i didn't want to go on to the next level is that..........oh percy! i dont want you to see whats under me!" and percy blushed and said "dont worry..." but then penolpe burst into tears. "percy..im a man!" ********************************************* back in voldemort's hideout, wormtail was cooking tea for him while voldemort was dancing. "im aaaa sllaaaaveee 4 youuuuuu not gonna hide it baybee slaveee 4 u" and wormtail muttered "IAM a slave for you" ***************************************************** the next morning, hermoine was crying. she hugged harry for support and then she realized something. "umm harry? your scar is smudging up" she said confused. harry noticed that hermoine's tears were wet. "gotta go!" and he ran off. *********************************************** at the teacher party, snape drank truth potion by mistake. minerva turned to him and said in front of everybody, "why do you wear a wig?" and snape replied "i need a greasy wig to put grease on my food" **************************************************** after the teacher party, snape realized he needed more in life then a hogwarts teacher. he wouldn't quit his job of course, but instead he would be someone else. he bought lipstick, a new blonde wig, and a bikini. he put it on, and he became a drag queen. the next day, in potions class everyone stared at him. "well good morning dearies" he said in a womanly voice. draco bursted out laughing. "dearies???? good joke proffesor!" and then for the first time in his-her life, snapelisa said "huh! 10 points from slytherin!" and draco gasped. "but snape! snape! the thing we had! it was lovely! we were meant to be together!" and draco malfoy ran out of the room, tears dripping from his eyes. hermoine gasped and slapped snapelisa. "we had an affair too! how could you snapey!" *************************************************** harry was walking to the bathroom, where he used a marker to draw the scar back on. he grinned in the mirror, wearing his unmatching socks and dancing. "oh yeah im too sexy for ya car, too sexy 4 ya bod, im too sexy.." he sang, holding the soap like a microphone. "harry!?" said a voice. harry turned around. it was moaning mertle. "oh" he said and ran off to the common room, thinking he might admire himself there. instead, he ran into fred, who was kissing a pillow. "what the hell?" harry asked. fred said with his lips trembiling, embracing the pillow, and said "i have issues" and ran out, still holding the pillow to his chest. ********************************************* percy gasped. "your a man!!!" he said loudly. penolpe nodded guility. "well...listen..im not gonna lie to you.. im a girl"said percy and penolpe sighed and they embraced. "we were meant for each other!" ***********************************************' the next day at school, hagrid showed up, doing flips and turns. draco grunted. he was laughing to death. hagrid was wearing a ballerina costume and he was singing "buttteerrrrfllyy oh my butterffllyyy" Malfoy laughed so hard, he wet his pants. suddenly, dumbledore came in and everyone gasped. his clothes was ripped and three cats were on his body. "calm down! everyone! the cats are planning to rule the school, but i'll manage! calm down!" he kept saying. suddenly, prof.trelawny, came in and screamed, everyone asked her what was wrong including dumbledore. "My...my..." suddenly, hermoine appeared from behind her and yelled "omygosh! help! prof.trelawny actually made a prediction that came true..about the cats..omygosh! noooo!" hermoine screamed and prof.trelawny fainted. she had made a prediction that came true, cats were invading Hogwarts and taking over the school, and Malfoy wet his pants. Could Hogwarts be anymore crazier? Woops, don't answer that question! ********************************* harry was walking toward the common room, carrying an orange marker. he couldn't wait to admire himself again. he was wearing dobby's unmatching socks. he went into the common room and everything was dark. harry heard shuffiling and moving so he put on the light and screamed. george was wearing a red fat costume and george cried "i miss them so much!" he said sadly. harry said "what the hell? who?" and george said "i once was a telly tubby...now im retired..i used to be LU-LU..awww those were the dayyyss" and harry spat at george and ran off. poor lu-lu lol **************************************************************************** *******  
  
Dumbledore was hidden someplace and cats couldn't understand humans, so the rules got mixed up and Malfoy and his gang started a new band called "Dark Mark" and sold their first album called "Tellytubbies Rule, Hippogriffs Drool" and they were all having a party, the cats got up and danced and purred. "Tellllyyyytubbieeesss ruleee baby yeah sing it wit me now, we got leavez to rake, and snape looks like a snakeee (snape swings his blonde wig and smiles as he puts on more lipstick and he and prof.mcgonogall become break dancers) potter's got unmatching socks...and telly tubbies rock! ohhh yeaaahhhh!!! hippogriffs drooollll and i love telly tubbieesss! c'mon! c'mon! (malfoy gets into the moment and performs a michael jackson dance move and proffesor sprout and neville are smoking weed) "Ohhh babybe, oh honey, we gonna get someee monneeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" and the song ended. everyone clapped. a cat jumped on malfoy's face and peed on him. ****************************** "here ...use a peice of dumbledore's beard" said proffesor mcgonogall, holding a peice of white hair. malfoy wiped his face with and invites Snape to join them. "No I have to go..uh do something" and he ran out. Harry followed him through the halls, and finally he saw Snape trying to put on a blue costume. Snapelisa said "Oh dearie please mind your own crap would you?" and harry raised his eyebrows and Snapelisa started to cry. "OKAY OKAY! I ADMIT IT! IM ON THE TV SHOW BLUES CLUES!! OKAY????" and he ran out and Harry asked "what the hell?" and then Harry looked in the mirror, took an orange marker and drew another scar and said "ohh baybee harry's so sexy oh yeah" suddenly, harry let out a huge burp and smiled. ****************************** "so wanna go out?" asked a drunk harry to a drunk hermoine. hermoine smiled and said "sure" and ron whimpered. he picked up his wand, and tried to point it at harry as he said "toiletsaball" instead, he hit draco, who turned into a toilet bowl. hermoine scowled. "look what you did! malfoy was about to become a backup singer for Shitney Speared..I mean britney spears!"  
  
********************************************************* hermoine broke up with harry. "im getting married " she said and ron and harry gasped in disbelief. she nodded, looking smug. "whoo is it!!!" harry screamed, spitting at her face. she rolled her eyes and said "you should know harry! im in love with the weasley's old car..its so romantic!" ************************************************************************* suddenly, harry falls on the floor, there is something white and cotton on his face. "harry, harry!" he hears his friends scream. suddenly,they take the white cotton thing off of him, and harry sees it's ron's EVIL BATH ROBE..tam tam duaaahhh! ******************************************************************** malfoy was turned back to normal, and his band was honored to have snapelisa there, but unfortantley, snape says "im sorry maties, but i have to quit..im going to be with Destiny's Child!" 


End file.
